Wednesday, August 2, 2017

the rollercoaster of emotions

I am not sure I can fully articulate the emotions of this pregnancy, deliver, and NICU experience, but I'll try my best.

Throughout this pregnancy for some reason I sensed something "bad" was going to happen.  I felt as prepared as one could to deliver a preterm baby and being induced and having her early didn't register as scary for me.  I knew she was going to be okay and I knew she was going to be in the NICU for some time.  What I wasn't quite prepared for was the emotional rollercoaster associated with having a baby in the NICU.

As soon as you have a baby your body instinctively enters "mom mode."  I no longer can sleep through the night nor nap for very long without being shaken awake by the knowledge that I have a baby to care for.  This was one of the weirdest parts initially.  I had nothing to do in my hospital room because she was downstairs in the NICU.  I felt drawn to needing to be in the NICU with her, and while I was there I felt entirely helpless because she was on CPAP and couldn't be held or fed.  In reality, I couldn't "do" anything for her, besides pump.

So pump I did.  I pumped every 2-3 hours for 20+ minutes every single day.  It was the one and only thing I could offer her that she needed and although nursing/pumping was not very successful for me with Bennett and Jillian I was dedicated to the cause with Harper.  In the first few days I noticed I was producing a little, and as the first week continued each day I was excited that I was producing a little more than the day before.  But then I hit the wall in production.  You see, according to lactation, by day 7 for someone exclusively pumping with a hospital grade pump, you should be producing 16 ounces and by day 14 you should be producing 24 (or something like that) ounces.  By day 6 & 7 I was only producing 8-9 ounces.  I met with the lactation consultant and used her pumping tips and tricks to try and increase my supply, but instead my left side completely stopped producing altogether and my right was producing as low as 3 ounces total... in my 5+ hours a day of pumping.  Obviously tired, super frustrated, and yet was semi accepting of the fact that this is just what my body does and has done with Bennett and Jillian.  To dedicate that amount of time... and see little to no result for lack of better words, really pissed me off.

Once I was discharged from the hospital, going home felt extremely surreal.  Here I was, I had just delivered my third baby and she was no where to be found in my home.  I felt extremely emotional/sad coming home to my "quiet" house and shed a few tears while trying to explain to Bennett and Jillian why Harper was out of mommy's tummy, but had to stay in the hospital.  Everyday I felt torn between being with Bennett and Jillian (since being a stay at home mom they've become quite attached to me and our routines) and being with my new sweet Harper.  Every time I was at home I longed to be at the hospital and every time I was at the hospital I felt like I was missing out on something at home with Bennett and Jillian.  Each time I would get into my car alone I couldn't help but uncontrollably shed tears as I drove and each time I would enter Harpers NICU room and start to talk to her tears galore were shed.

We tried to find some normalcy in the first two weeks.  We lucked out with amazing friends and neighbors who watched Bennett and Jillian each morning from 8:30am-2pm and I was able to spend those hours with Harper doing skin to skin, changing diapers, and feeding her.

It felt like it took FOREVER for her to finally come off of her CPAP so I could hold her and then it felt like a lifetime again for her to come off of her high flow oxygen so I could try and feed her.  In the back of my mind as milk supply kept tapering off I knew nursing wasn't going to last.  The doctors and nurses however keep encouraging me to nurse and we got Harper latched a few times, but I kept reiterating that if she was showing feeding cues to get her a bottle or pacifier.

I try so hard to view her care from a nurses perspective and to not be judgmental, but several times either I just didn't understand why they were doing/saying the things they were or if they really aren't listening to what I was trying to express.  Finally on Saturday, Harpers 2 week birthday,  I came in a crying mess as I said we need to start giving her bottles and not just nursing her because I am literally not producing 20ml in a 20 minute pumping session and she's eating (vis tube) 35ml in a single session... PLUS I have two other kids who need me at home and I'm only at the hospital 2 out of her 8 feedings... how is she ever going to come home if the nursing staff is waiting for me to teach her how to nurse and I've #1 got no supply and #2 am not here!
 My sweet nurse Becky listened to my crying ramble and we talked with the NP and started Harper on bottles of breastmilk.  Saturday and Sunday she took a few bottles some in the day and some at night, but since then it appears she's gone two whole days without any bottle other than the ones I've attempted to give her. Her nurse today said something that sounded like, "how is she doing with nursing? and how has she done with bottles? I didn't really get report...."  LIKE WHAT? what the heck do you mean you didn't get report on my daughter....?  It says on the freaking whiteboard in her room she's doing tube feeds and bottles.... sooooooooo..... is she really not cueing at all to eat except when I'm there? or are we just being lazy and not giving her bottles but giving her a binkie? or are we expecting mom to nurse the baby when she's here even though in report it should be said that mom is now bottle feeding... Every day I have been asking how much she's eaten from a bottle and the nurse always has to look back through the charting and each time her/his answer has been that Harper didn't get any feedings through the night.  So am I just being emotional and frustrated and anxious for her to eat and get home or are some nurses being lazy and not feeing her or not given a correct report on my child and what she needs and what her parents want? Regardless of which it is, I am freaking. frustrated.
Somehow every nurse who is there when I am there knows that I am a L&D nurse... so I know some report is being passed on... now lets get to what really freaking matters aka. my child.

I walk around stores like Target and can't help but stare at all of the baby stuff... I see babies in their carseats getting in and out of their cars and long to be able to take my baby home.  I see others post cute pictures of their newborns and wish I could take a picture with my baby in any place but the hospital.  I walk past Harpers room and sometimes just stop and stare at her empty crib, her neatly folded and never worn clothes, and her bow rack full of bows that are all too big for her tiny head.  I see the seat, empty seat, next to Jillian in my car awaiting her carseat.  I see Bennett and Jillian running around the house playing pretend "PJ Masks" and they are pretending to save Harper from the bad guys.  All of it is a constant reminder of my super crappy pregnancy and the fact that Harper, although she is doing really well, still isn't home.

Of course as I sit crying to myself Lance calls and tries to fix it (as all men do).  I realize a lot of my frustration isn't just that I want to hurry and get her home... I also just want my life back to normal.  Of course I know that a new baby will rock our normal schedule and routine, but I have been displaced from my typical "life" for freaking months with all of the doctors appointments and now going to the NICU daily.  I've struggled with not eating enough or not eating the right things because I'm always on the go and either forget to preplan or nothing sounds good.  I feel like an anxious mess as I try and rest when I can but am too overwhelmed by mess or clutter.  As I type this I'm cringing at my crumb covered countertops. I long for the energy to have a clean house and to play with my kids.  And of course I'm too stubborn of a person to express any of this vocally because that would mean I'm weaker than I think I am or others think I am and the answer to if I need help will always be no, or I don't know because half the time I feel like I am drowning and there isn't one or some things that could make any of it better and the other half of the time I feel completely sane and like I've got things figured out and handled.

I'm sure the majority of this is just some big long ramble that doesn't necessarily make sense and if you've made it this far reading my word vomit I'm pretty impressed.   That is all for now.